Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.